QUESTION: I am in dating relationship which is not yet
exclusive. Things were going pretty good until I told him that I was waiting
for sex until marriage, then he started
to act differently. We were only seeing each other but after that conversation he
has now started seeing other girls. He told me about them but I am still
furious. Should I leave him alone or continue to try and pursue a relationship
with him ?
ANSWER: So basically what you have going on right now is a
friendship with somebody that you are interested in and who is also interested
in you. If I have that correct?
I think you were
totally brave and responsible for stating your stance on sex before marriage
with this guy early on. However this is where things get tricky. I don’t know
the guy but what I gather from the entire message you sent me I am under the
assumption that he does like you but the whole waiting for sex part is
something that is throwing him off!
(Please understand, I am in no way suggesting that you should have done something
different, I am just telling you like it is) So a part of me thinks
that he had good intentions concerning you from the beginning but given this new information however, I don’t
think his intentions totally went out of the window but now he is forced to
view the relationship differently. He now views you differently and to be frank
he’s scared…..especially if he has never been involved with a woman where sex
was not involved. It’s something new, you are someone new and different, and
he’s trying to adjust.
The man is struggling chile, and I know you understand the
struggle because this whole no sex thing is a struggle for you too!! Since many
men and women can’t comprehend romance or intimacy without sex , he’s under the
assumption that he may be entering into an intimacy-less relationship. That’s a
scary thought, a thought that is so far
from the truth nonetheless but the enemy
will drill that into his head in hopes that he no longer pursues you, they very person he may need in
his life, and pursue his lustful desires instead, the very thing he does not
need in his life. GET IT?
Once again, I do believe that he does like you. I also believe
that he is quite nervous and has no idea what to do with you, you’re a woman
with morals, standards, a prized possession who many many many many many many
men CAN NOT HANDLE. That’s why God only has 1 man for YOU! That balance between the spirit and the flesh
is something serious, and just like you and I struggle in certain areas this is
his area of struggle. Please believe the enemy wants to keep him away from the
very people that needs to be in his life, so he sends barriers, blocks,
distractions and so forth that are designed to shifts this man’s attention away
from you onto everything else, and if you go popping off at the mouth, copping an attitude, or going off, you be a
contributor to the help the enemy fulfill
his plan in this young mans life.
Remember this thing called life is bigger than us and while
we are wanting relationships, desiring a certain man, and wanting to fill that
lonely space inside of us God has other plans in mind. If we seek God’s plan
initially then he will help guide us and help control our flesh when we
encounter those instances where His plan needs to reign supreme over our desires.
I know you are hurt and you have every right to be but don’t act on that hurt.
There is purpose behind that hurt, there is a mission to be completed behind
that hurt, ask God to show you. Your very purpose in this man’s life may have
been solely to be a prime example of a Proverbs 31 woman. Not his Proverbs 31
woman, because that may not be the woman he chooses, but just so he won’t go
blaming God that there are no good women out here, God can remind him of you!
Those truths HURT don’t they, but once again it’s bigger
than you and your hurt feelings (OUCH). I know sistah girl that is NOT what you
wanted to hear, and trust me I have felt that way many times concerning the men
in and out of my life but HEY it’s His plan we are after not our own.
One more trend about men just so you are aware: When men don't know what to do in situations
they often do the dumbest thing to help them figure out what to do. For example
if a man really likes you but is afraid of falling in love he may stop calling
you out of the blue. In this case this guy has started talking to other girls.
Can we say the dumbest thing he could do?!?! Ding ding ding why can't they be
as sensible as us.
Regardless of what this man’s intentions are concerning you,
seek Christ for His intentions concerning you and this relationship. We don’t
know if ole boy is trying to play the field, trying to see if he can wait for
sex until marriage, trying to see if you
will stick around while he talks to other women or sleeps with them whatever
the case may be, and none of that is any of your concern. If he is intending to
play games with YOU God will show you. There aren’t a specific number of talks
you can have with this man that will help you determine his intentions better
than 1 talk with the Father.
So to answer your question I suggest you scale back
relationally. Pursue a friendship. Practice patience, your time clock ain’t got
nothing on God’s timing. If you feel you are getting older, go grab you a man.
Somebody wants you, but that man you go grab will not be the man for you so be
patient. Take time to get to know who this man is in character. How he is with
his family, how he is with his friends. Learn more about his relationship with
God & get an opportunity to know him as a man instead of as a boyfriend or
potential husband. You may come to find out that you don't even like this man
one bit once you really learn who he is (TRUST ME HERE IF YOU DISREGARD
ANYTHING ELSE I SAY). I think an
authentic friendship is necessary at this point and if you take the lead and
tell him straight up, “I think we need to scale back and be friends”, then
things will become clear for the both of you. What does a friendship look like:
the same friendship you have with one of your girlfriends. If one of your
girlfriends don’t text you back immediately do you get mad? If they call you back 3 days later and say
“I’ve been busy” do you have an attitude, OR not pick up until she calls you
back 3 times? EXACTLY! All this to say you don't have to talk to him everyday,
you don't have to know his every move, you choose to hang out with him when you
have time and so forth.
Girlfran if it’s for you, in its proper time everything will
fall into place. Do not miss out on the privilege of learning who this man is
as a friend & how you can help him in Christ as opposed to how you can help
him help you fulfill your current desires.
*All of the question are submitted via FB for KWK Ask
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