I'm Dating Someone Who Feels Unworthy of my Love.....Help!

Question 3: Kristen I am in a long distance, unofficial, relationship with a man that I am absolutely in love with. We have been involved with one another for some years now, on and off, but the distance has been the primary hindrance in us taking things to the next level. Every time I share my feelings with him, he shuts down and tells me he’s unworthy of my love. How can I have a honest conversation with him about my feelings for him and at the same time address how his tendency to shut me down sometimes makes things difficult for me?

Answer 3: I challenge you to make an assessment of the relationship as a whole? Since you are in love, figure out how you got there and jot down the qualities about him that led you to this place. Perhaps sharing those specific qualities to him can better help him understand why you love him in the 1st place, and possibly paint a better picture as it relates to the extent of your love for him. People have different backgrounds, different life experiences, and so forth that have really slaughtered their self-esteem and totally distorted their self -perceived value. If you appear to be a confident and successful woman you may intimate them. If you are very beautiful and they themselves do not feel beautiful, or handsome in this case, they may feel unworthy of your attention.

Imagine this: A friend invites you to an event and when you arrive you find out that it’s a black tie event, however you have on casual clothes. How would you feel? What would you be thinking? Would you feel out of place, misinformed or misled, caught off guard, embarrassed, unworthy to be in that space, etc? None of those feels take away from who you are, however being in such an environment may make you feel uncomfortable, unworthy, or embarrassed. Now imagine that your friend, the party host, comes to you and embraces you at the event. She reminds you that you are beautiful, you aren’t out of place, that she’s so glad to have you there, that what you have on isn’t bad, everything’s going to be ok, and begs you to stay. Initially you may show resistance, you may feel that she is lying, that she’s being selfish, you may think she is just being nice, but as she continues to woo you and validate you, and work to make you feel comfortable, (if you decided to stay) you will notice your resistance diminishing and after a few drinks you will totally forget all about your negative feelings and your casual clothes.

Now connect this with the situation with your guy. In this case he is the person in the casual clothes, you are the party host. Continue to show him love and encouragement. If you know he feels insecure in certain areas complement him in those areas. For example if he’s overweight and you like his chunky, tell him!! Make up pet names for his stomach, like “your comfy pillow”, or call him your teddy bear, something that shows him that his perceived imperfections are perfect to you.

Another thing I want you to consider is #1 if this persistence is really worth it to you and #2 work on establishing trust. Sometimes working to show someone that they are worthy of your time or that you really like them is exactly that : WORK! It can be draining and sometimes discouraging, so if you have full faith in this relationship and you think this guy is worth it, work at being creative in your approach, practice patience, and be honest. Tell him the reasons why you absolutely adore him and let him know there is absolutely nothing he can do about that! By building trust you strengthen the relationship in many areas. The long distance may not be as big of a deal once you further develop trust. He will believe you when you say you really love him, if he trusts you. You will begin to trust him and the relationship will develop on something more solid than the on and off again years of unstable emotions and indecisiveness. It’s obvious he’s struggling with insecurities and if he has other astonishing qualities and traits that override that, then work with him. Nobody’s perfect! 

~KWK

*All of the question are submitted via FB for KWK Ask Kristen Fridays*

                               *All images are from Google*

Let's Stay Connected!

FB- facebook.com/kristenlblack

Twitter-@konversationsk

Instagram-konversations_w_kristen