My Child's Father is Unstable

Question: My child’s father has been a deadbeat ever since we broke up. He has been in and out of my sons life for 3 years and all of a sudden (probably for about 2 months or so) he’s been calling weekly. Well this past Monday asked me if he could  take our son with him on Thanksgiving to his girlfriend’s parents’ house in Florida. Honestly I don’t want him to go, especially to see that girls parents because that’s the same woman he cheated on me with and left me for. She is about to have his second child and he acts like this baby is the best thing ever and he’s the world’s greatest father. I’m like: “hello you do have a son that you never see, in case you forgot”. Am I wrong for not wanting my son to go with his father for Thanksgiving?

Answer: Woziers! That’s a lot. To address your original question: Are you wrong for not wanting him to go with his father on Thanksgiving? My answer is No. However I do believe that if you do not let your son go, or if you prohibit him from going then you would be wrong.  (Disclaimer: If you don't trust that he has your sons safety in mind, then you should not let your son go) Feelings are totally normal and necessary to validate your humanness, but it’s when we make decisions off those feelings, that’s where we mess up.

I am sure your son, like most other children I know with an absent father, loves his father to death. I am almost sure that in your son’s eyes  his father does no wrong despite the number of times he has set him up, told him no, or failed to follow through with a plan. Now if you on the flip side forgot he had a basketball game this weekend; you would then become the world’s worst mom. If this is your situation I know of it all too well!! No I do not have any kids, but I know children well! If you are experiencing this that is perfectly normal behavior. It steams from immaturity, your son doesn’t know any better, but as he matures he will be able to see what’s really going on.

Regardless of how trifling you feel his father is,  do everything in your power not to relay that message to your son; you will be the one to regret it in the end. You may feel that making your son aware of his father’s neglect will help him see how reckless his father is, but in all actuality it will only drive a wedge between the two of you. There is no better teacher than life itself. Whenever you can, speak as kindly as possible about his father,( for example his work ethic, or whatever positive trait he has that you see in your son etc)…… if there are no kind words to say, remember the old saying: if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.

Concerning this Thanksgiving trip, I do suggest that you refrain from saying anything to your son about the trip until the day of or as close to the departure date as possible. It would also help if you asked the father not to mention it to him as well. Dress it up as a surprise, tell his father you want to surprise your son about the trip when in reality you just don’t want your son t hurt in case his father bails. If your son already knows about the trip make sure you over emphasize (which may or may not work) that as long as nothing changes on your fathers end (you can add: work, transportation, or a change of plans) he will be spending the thanksgiving break with his father. Still if he doesn’t know about the alleged trip already that’s much better to preserve his feelings!

Lastly (as a personal note to you) I think you need to address your hurt about the break up with a professional, life coach, somebody because that weight you are carrying around and have been for over 3 years is damaging you ! You can pretend that it does not affect you but it does, and you need an avenue to get that anger out so you can be better emotionally for your son. I won’t address it here but you will be amazed at how the healing process will set you free!

 Pray that his father becomes a better father for his unborn child, hopefully with the new baby he may be inspired to change. Pray that he becomes a better man in general for both his children and a better boyfriend or husband to this young lady. That is hard to do, but I have done it in my personal life and I don’t know what it did for my ex but it truly worked for ME! At the end of it all it isn’t about you, your child’s father, his new girlfriend, her parents, or any of that……it’s about your son and in order for your son to have the best mommy ever, his mother needs  to heal and let go her past hurts etc.

Hope this helps, there is so much more I could say! 

*All of the question are submitted via FB for KWK Ask Kristen Fridays*

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